Saturday, May 12, 2007 1:01 AM

i think this post is gng be kinda EMO
but ohwell. i suddenly felt like urm like that.
so if if you aint gng be happy with my post, please please please go move your mouse to do [X] button at the top right hand corner of the screen and CLICK or hit the backspace button on your keyboard. cause im not forcing anyone to read this post.

lifesucks.
why. i think i've got a list of reasons.
i suddenly realise i dontknow whats my pointe of living. seriously i dontknow.
im like living for the sake that im alive.
and i rmb posting and blogging about this once.
there is this difference between being alive and living.
living's when youre enjoying life and treasuring time. whereas being alive jolly well means being a human being on earth competing with the others for oxygen. okaye thts crap but wadvr.
i dontknow whats my point in life yet.seriously. i dontknow. and it just sucks when you are yourself but you dontknow anythng.
its like why on earth am i here and stuff lidat?
i dont get it.

i know last year had been bad for me. and two third of the year o6 was spent under depression. so by comparison this year is better aint it?
yeah it is. im happy with my life now.
but again, im still upsad.
this so contradicting.ohwell.
i mean like its through lots of stuff this year that make me grow up and learn to think more and deeper. but again. i realise being dumb stupid and even retarded is better. cause at least i dont think so much and i dont have to worry so much.

and then i was browsing through some stuff just now when i realised how much i missed the past and how i wished i didnt grow up.
i think i missed the innocence then.
like rmb the previous post abt tht girl on bus and how i played with her ;
yeah its just a tiny weeny event on bus but i've been thinking alot since the day before just because of that girl.
and then even the mimosa plant struck my thought to many stuff
and then i was talking to mummy just now when i realised how much i changed
and just stuff lidat.

childhood dont last.
and i suddenly MISS it . i think im damn random but i just suddenly have this thought and am just missing it. whats my problem i dontknow mann for goodness sake.
i suddenly thought of the times at waterside garden with nichole, going swimming tgr with her, at the playground, sandcastles and all that stuff.
i just felt that i lost many thngs and didnt treasure alot of stuff in the past.
i just feel that my life is DEAD now. like its just another everyday routine and its just boring? no not boring its just repeitition which gives me ten thousand reasons i can just go and die now aint it?
i just suddenly feel that my life is just a routine its totally pointless so i dont get why im carrying on with it.

im just like really frustrated with alot of stuff.
like parents and schoolwrk and piano.
i just feel really very very hurt when my parents start ranting and quarreling AGAIN. and i hate it more when daddy start shouting like dontknow what. didnt he love and dote on me ALOT. if this so. why cant he understnd how i feel. he still dont get what i need till now. i dont need anythng else materialistic or stuff. serious. and living here in a bigger house and such aint what i want either. if you think youre really providing me happiness just lidat, im sorry youre wrong. i just need more love, more care, and more peace + harmony in the family. i hate it when you rant at mummy when it aint her fault. i hate it when you scold me and get so unreasonable. i hate it when you dont give me a chance to explain myself and tell you that i got my reasons and refuse to hear me out. i hate it now that there are more rooms in the house and everynight the family gatherings NO LONGER EXIST. i hate it everynight youre either in living room or in supposed family room while mummy is somewhere elsee in the house and then mei in her room, jingrong in his room and me feeling totally left out and stuck in my own room all alone and feeling like shyt and you dontknow do you?

and did you realise how much hurting it is that your parents are sleeping SEPERATE rooms right now this moment. cause they quarreled and both are stubborn and refuse to give in. i bet you all dontknow all this actions of you parents hurt me so much. maybe it didnt even cross your mind at all for this all 14+ years right. but it hurts alot.

ihate it when i lose control of my emotions. and i know i just rant at boyfriend when he called during dinner and i pickup the call asking him whts his problem with calling me at the wrong time cause i was getting scolded by daddy. and then i know im like wrong again when felicia talked to me online and i told her i didnt feel like talking so just get off. and then worse when i rant at jinhong when he merely called ; and just cause im feeling super emo i just reacted that way. yeah right. CONTROL i just dontknow and have yet to learn this word have i?
grow up girl. whts your problem. sighh nvrmind.


and now im crying already.
cause i cant help it not at all. i dontknow what on earth im thinking. why im lidat etc etc.
i dont get why im feeling so much suddenly.
i just feel like shyt now


i think im a lucky girl. with a great; super sweet perfect boyfriend who love and care alot for and about me. and willing to do and put in alot for me. but i realise i have yet to know how to appreciate him. am i taking alot of things for granted? i dontknow. am i being super unreasonable a girlfriend? i dontknow also. i just feel guilty and feel like shyt now .
i think im expecting too much from you dear and im like really sorry ? sighh.
and i guess you'd get hurt reading this post of mine again? sorry.

& i still got a whole bunch of friends whom hav been there for me. just that i didnt knw, i guess friendship dont just mean talking , hanging out tgr, even without much contact, without all that hanging out. if the friengship is STRONG.i'd still stay there and be there. just that i've time and time failed to see that. sigh.


i feel like a total failure now.