Thursday, September 07, 2006 7:56 PM

yes. dont mind my postings.but i cant and dont like feeling stuck in me lidat and yet i dontknw who i cld turn to again. and so im venting it all out here.

and i knw my last two posts yesterday is super long and i admit that myself.
and so if you think that you cant stnd my posts or dont wanna bother to find out whats going through in me. then dont even bother in the first place to type in the address there insearchfor-simplexityhappiness.blogspot.com]] as easy as that. and i knw i can be a pain at many times so if you regret stepping into my life from my blog you can just click the 'back' button and go on to some other page. its as easy as tt.

Okay and this is totally going to be another long and frustrating post

firstly, i still wanna thank amanda! for that post on her blog. thanks yeah for all that messages you're trying to tell me. but again yes. im srry i spamm your tagg completely.PaiSeh. you can go delete them later yeah.
i just realised you posted a second post to reply me also.
and here's your reply.
i believe in fate yeah. cause i dontknw how to make decisions myself.
sometimes i'd get just super fedup already that i wanna giveup lah.
many things i figure i myself dontknw an answer to it. its either i dont want to say.really uncertain.dont want to know myself or what. i really dontknw lah
and i knw this few days. practically everything i dontknw and chris you shld be totally certain about that because 90% of our phone conversations my answers are all dontknw..srry yeah
and since i dontknw how to make any decisions. leave it to fate. thats my only way out already

yes. i knw--create your own opportunities. but come to think of it. i giveup already. so what if i get all those opportunities? so what lah? why do i need them? i dont even knw lor. given them so what. i guess i've lost my point in life already
and thus i dont nid such opportunites. given them i might not even use them. so whats the point?

andyes. i knw. telling yourself 'i did my best already'' it really did helped me feel better
but AGAIN. i did my best but performed my worst

and amanda, im not really aiming to be like what you said- world famous pianist
this one right. is totally impossible lah. please
yes. maybe i want to become some pianist.
i just want my own stage
my dream is the grandpiano,the stage there.to bring and make my own music alive
i dont nid to be what world famous lah. cause its totally not possible and i shant dream about that. but yes. i carried hopes for myself on the piano.

& then its just a small setback i knw. i shldnt be thinking so freaking negative about that. yes yes iknw. i really knw cause everyone been telling me that already. but its like. i dontknw how to say lah
but this discouraged me alot and totally.thats the point lah.

i dont ask for a lot really. i just wanted to get my grades right.
just to do well. but it just seems so impossible for me
i dont understnd and dontknw y.

and amanda, you mentioned in your blog again about streaming and combinations.
its like i dontknw what to say le.
still remember the yinghui last year. the top few in class and at least within the top 20 in level.
but now? the LAST TEN IN CLASS. the 200th in level.
whats this lah. and how did i drop so much?
i only got FOUR WEEKS left now already.
just four weeks and i dont think i can catch up that fast.
i dont knw whats gone wrong in me
i really dont

trial streaming my given combi is a 7sub+PrincipalOfAccounts when i wanted a 9Sub and aim for a 8Triple AT LEAST
but please i hav troubles and difficulties to EVEN get into a DOUBLE science already
what on earth m i doin lah

doing so freaking badly can get me no where in life already lor.

i cant be good at music.
my acadamic sucks so much; im doing so badly.i will nvr make it to a better combi[ im NOT saying combine science is BAD lah it aint just tt i wanted to go for smth more]]
yes. and yea. i guess i haven mention this yet, but lets get this straight so you ppl can STOP asking me about it already. i didnt get into NJ IP alright. i didnt.yes i manage to pass thru those test and go all the way shortlisted for interview.but i still didnt get into nip lah.so stop asking me that!

yes. all i wanted i failed
all i did
i tried my best
but whatever best i tried
i end up doing my worst

its all the failures i face again and again and again
its killing me already
really killing me already
i cant stand it anymore

im purely disappointed with myself already

and then i can see. so many ppl are already PREPARING FOR endofyear.and here i am STUCK
totally stuck
not making much progression at all
and i still dont understnd a least bit abt physics.
we are at sounds already.and im stil stuck at understnding light and even electricity.how on earth m i going to pass science eoy when its a pure physics paper?

im just so gng fail in every single thing im doing
whatver i do
i fail to make the best already

i cant stnd it
when i use to do so well
and now i drop so much

when i use to be a much happier and cheerful girl
i've now sunk so deep into almost despair already

i dont knw how to appreciate
even the basics of a person i cant get it right

im failing so much in doing things well

and now. im even failin in being a so called 'nicer person on earth'
whats the pt of all this?
im not that understnding girlfriend for you.not anymore.
i dontknw how to appreciate you no matter how patient you was towards me
i tooko things for granted i vent out on you
all i do is take from you
i nvr ever did return you anything
i cant even be a listening ear for you when you were always there for me
all i did was to take things for granted
maybe i nvr even did thought abt how you felt
im not even a nice cousin or meii for you anymore
when you still cared.but yet everytime i got pissed thinking you dont care at all
i always so called 'manyuan' you being your back
you didntknw.and neither did i knw you still continue to care so much and love me so much
i thought now you got her. you didnt care about me anymore
but yet you was still doing your best to be a caring and good listenning ear gor
you still continue loving me but i just failed to appreciate whateever you did for me
i cant even be a nice and good friend to d ppl arnd me
all i did was to disappoint my friends arnd me til they end up wanting to giveup on me already
all i knw was to waste the efforts of you all trying to help me up
tts all i had been doing
and then you cared so much.but i end up 'forgetting' you already. im srrygirl. you knw who you are.
and then i nvr was a good junior either.
when all the seniors cared so much and encouraged me so much. all i did was to disappoint you all with my actions
when you call cared so much. i insisted that you all didnt

im failing in everything im doing.
i cant do well in schwork and piano.nvrmind at least i be a nicer girl right?
but no, im not a nice gfriend for you, im not a nice friend, im not a nice cousin cum meii, im not a nice junior , and now come to think of it im not even their sweetunderstnding daughter anymore

what am i lah?

i realise all along. i've been takin things for granted; i didnt treasure what i had. didnt at all tis i really lose them all. i regret
but regret/ its too late for heaven sake.

i dontknw what to say already. and i guess i better get going. maybe i need time alone or smth.
and god i wasted another hour on this post already. 56minutes wasted again

take me away please