Wednesday, September 06, 2006 4:26 PM

just got back from PIANO EXAM.
and lets get this straight. i think i FAILED AND FLUNK IT COMPLETELY.serious.

im totally disappointed with myself lah
its like what did i do?
i screwed everything all up really.

im feeling as if my whole year effort is wasted already
i spent a year on my gradeSEVEN. and i've already reached my seventh grade
and there i m doing so badly.
its like. i really really really did try my best i swear.
but just that i didnt manage to play the best i cld.
whats happenning lah
y is everything lidat?
when i really put in my best to play my best already
yet it all turned out this way?

my first piece was totally out of beat.totally.
i was rushing through it and i knw i played more than TENwrong notes
and then when i flipped the book to the second page. the pause inbetween was like so big lah
how else dumber can i get?
cant even flip a page quick enough?

my second piece was supposingly what i thought my best piece
but florence and lisa insisted that piece was the most worrying one.
its like.when i thought that piece was good and the best of the 3..
they told me its the worst
whats this lah
and i played that piece and than i think my pedalling sucks totally and i knw i got the chords wrong for that whole waltz

dont even talk about the third piece can'
the first page tt examiner didnt right i single word on the report
then the second page. i FLOPPED THE WHOLE THING
i MESSED THE WHOLE PART and everything.and i cld see from the reflection that guy was frowning and scribbling a whole load down
amanda you shld knw lah. For Johnny Mehagan piece C1 2nd page 2nd line the 3bars over there.somemore its like the HIGHLIGHT of the whole piece. i MESSED IT UP COMPLETELY.
it sounded so totally different from the CD lah
its like totally you cant hear now differentiate the notes lor
its all jumbled up together like sht lidat

and i cldnt play my sightreading at all.
its A PAGE long and all IN STACCATO
and its like i dontknw lah. i didnt do anything about the dynamics and i was freaking out when i saw the piece.i knw i was failing straght the moment i saw that piece already

aural i sang out of tune
im like hundred percent sure lor
then i dont even knw what cadence he talking about lah.
i knw its perfect..then aft tt the other part i dontknw already
then the modulation i simply made a very wild and risky guess saying dorminant
which i knw is WRONG lah.

after that i sms lisa told her i think i failed aural and sightreading
lisa was like im expecting you to fail aural already, but urm not sightreading
its like.great lah! lisa can tell me she EXPECT me to fail aural.
expect. yeah i knw she expected i'd fail everything also
like.everything if not she wont ask me to withdraw last time also
and yeah. great lah.

im just flunking my grade7.
forget it mann. i dont wanna even take 8th already
dont even wanna dream about my diploma

cant i just learn to knw my limits?

i really hate myself now.jus totally hate that yinghui who went into the exam studio smiling after talking on the phone and even assuring herself that so many ppl sms and wished me luck, hav faith in me and etc etc.BUT yet she came out of the room half crying

i didnt expect it could go SO WRONG.so wrong.
im aiming for a DISTINCTION can.but i knw its hard. so i told myself yes i shld listen to what my seniors told me. dont set so high target..so okay i say i aim for a merit
and when lisa commented and told me to withdraw. i said thts the end man. but i still was stubborn enough and i saw i wanna try
and so i tried and end up just aiming and hoping i cld just PASS i'd even be happy to get a 100/150 and pass by ONE PATHETIC MARK rather than fail.
but now. its so clear cut that i'd fail already
like totally obvious lah
i played so so so brokenly and its like which examiner will be dumb enough to pass me!?

its disappointing
i spent my entire first 2days of holiday.
practising for up to like 4hours plus
ireally did
and today morning i practised too.
really.i tried my best already
i played my best already
but the result was the worst. not even good

i m like totally hating myself?
just y lah
and everyone arnd me had so much faith in myself and told me i cld do very well
but what happen
i did the worst i ever cld perform

and so what if you said i got class?
yeah i cld hav it but maybe i lost it already
i had it.but lost it
its not really permanant.nth cld be permanant
even if you said i got the class for it.
you yourself admit i didnt hav the form
i lost it

i just lost everything now
whatever you call that. class.form.confidence.my music spirit.etcetc
im forcing ppl to lose faith in me too i knw
i disappointed you ppl alot.i dont even hav to wait one mth for the results.
its just like i knw i failed already
i heard myself play i heard how badly i played.
i knw how badly i performed

you all had the confidence and faith tht i cld do well
i told myself i hav to pass this exam for myself and also not to let down the ppl who trusted me so much
but whats happennin now?

yes. im crying so very badly already
yesterday was a rough enough day for me to handle
yet today turned for the worst and not the better

i dontknw what to say already
just hating.disappointed.and everything with myself.

i thought i cld play well
my dream was the grandpiano i wanna play on someday
my dream was the bring my music alive
but yes, i knw.this exam is just a small part of my music route
but it meant alot and shattered my will alot
thats just miie.

you all dont understnd how much piano and music meant in my life
maybe those other pianist knw.
but yeah. you all not learning piano wont ever understnd how i feel about it all

its just painful to watch yourslef play at hme all okay
and then proceed to the exam hall and suck flopped and screw everything

apparently for me. tis all shattered already totally shattered and broken

it meant so much to me
but i let my chance to shine and do well do down the drain